The difference between the two

Panic

It was my second day, and up until that point I hadn’t been alone. Once I reached the building, I stopped. Usually I loved being early, but a full hour was too much, even for me. I sat down on a bench outside, looking at both the water fountain in front of me, and the people surrounding it.

I felt alone, because the friend I had spend the morning and previous day with, had already left. I had always been an anxious person, struggling mostly with human connection. Panic attacks where things I knew about, but nothing I had every personally experienced.

The sun was shining bright for an October day, and I tried to enjoy the natural warmth it brought. My head was full with all the information I had been given, and the fear of what was to come next. The plan had always been to go to university, but actually starting felt strange. I almost felt like an imposer, looking at the historical buildings around me. I didn’t know why, but it didn’t feel like my place to be.

My plan was to go to the meeting, and then have my boyfriend pick me up. He offered, and I didn’t enjoy the public transportation anyway. We had been texting a while back, but as I tried to reach him, he didn’t answer. I knew he was safe at home, probably taking a nap.

The panic came sudden, and without rationality behind it. I had always overthought everything, but it had never made me panic before. The first symptom I clearly felt, was my racing heart. Beside the speed, I realized just how clear I could feel it beating inside of my chest. My breathing changed, without me being able to stop it. I wasn’t hyperventilating, but I was breathing heavier and faster, than I should have. My hands started to shake, the smallest possible amount, and I felt the sweat coming. My hands were usually sweaty, but not to the same extend. As my stomach turned, I realized something was wrong with me. I could have excused one of the symptoms, but not that many.

Meanwhile, the thoughts in my head were turning and twisting. The negativity completely outweighed any positive thought that had been there before, and I could do nothing to stop it. Beside the clear overthinking of the situation, I was about to be in, I started to overthink every decision that led me there. All the bad scenarios my head was coming up with, regarding, the future, started to overthrow me. I didn’t know what to do, or how to help myself.

The urge to run followed soon. As I couldn’t reach my boyfriend, which only made everything worse, I started to walk. I didn’t really know my way around, but I needed to get away. The instinct to get as far away as possible was all consuming, and I couldn’t stop walking. The streets seemed unfamiliar, and my thoughts were starting to overthink what could possibly happen to me in the streets of a town I barely knew.

Calming down took time, and I couldn’t shake off what happened for days to come. I realized while it was still happening, that it was a panic attack. The thought of having had a panic attack made me feel more anxious, because it made me question whether or not my mental state was alright enough to ever go back to University. I didn’t know what I would do if I couldn’t go back.

A big part of me was ashamed of what happened. I didn’t know why I felt that way, because rationally I knew that you don’t choose mental illness. But the embarrassment and shame stayed with me for months, while the attacks continued.

Anxiety

My first day at the new job was suppose to be exiting. I knew the people I would be working around, I knew the place I would work at, and I had already done a job extremely similar. There was nothing negative in my head, because I was genuinely happy to get to work there.

I was supposed to work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, but on my first week I decided to also go in on Monday. I wanted to feel prepared, and safe and confident.

My day started rough, as I barely slept at all. To be fair, my sleeping rhythm was still quite broken from the holidays. I spend the morning lounging in bed, trying to get as much relaxation as I could.

The fear of being late has always made me be ready way before I needed to be. That particular day I had gotten myself fully ready, about an hour before I had to leave. Since I knew I didn’t want to be an hour early, I laid back down. My alarm clocks were on, and my phone was in my hand.

As the first alarm rang, something hit me. My mind was almost blank, and I felt heavy. All throughout my body I could feel vibration, something I had never experienced before. The vibrations made me strangely aware of every part of my body.

I didn’t know what was happening, but my head realized I couldn’t leave my house that way. Thoughts kept floating around, excuses not to go wandered through my thoughts. I didn’t come up with any excuse good enough for myself, though.

I texted my best friend about what I was feeling, because I was scared. Almost immediately she called me, and I didn’t really know what to say. I tried explaining to her, that there was no part of my body that felt normal, and that there was a weight on me, that I couldn’t explain. I told her I was scared to get up, because I didn’t know if my legs could even carry me. Through everything she listened, and tried to help. In my head I had almost made up my mind not to go, but she changed it.

The thought of going made me cry, but the alternative also made me cry. I had gotten too comfortable with not leaving my comfort zone, but it had only made me more anxious all together.

As we talked on the phone, I slowly started to get up and go to the bathroom. My friend kept reassuring me everything would be okay, but I didn’t believe her. As the minutes passed, I realized the longer I waited, the more awkward it would be, if I didn’t go.

Against everything inside of me, I made it downstairs, and finally in the car. The vibrations had almost completely stopped, and I felt better. We kept talking, until I got to my destination.

Once there, I realized there really had been nothing to worry about. I liked the people, I liked the place and I liked the job. All it took was the reassurance, and a little bit of will power.

Disclamer: this stories has not been edited properly.

Copyright © Author Anne Sophie, All rights reserved